As the great man, Bowie, said: "Turn and face the strange, Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes" and this feels particularly resonant to me as I prepare, this week, for a major change in my working life, leaving London to work remotely in Asia as a ‘Digital Nomad’. As I left my office at the university on Wednesday, I was a bit sad to leave lovely colleagues behind but the overwhelming feeling was of excitement at the uncertainty and sense of possibility this new life brings.
Which got me thinking about change, and the very different emotions it can bring up in you.
And more specifically about the difference between big life changes you’ve chosen and ones you haven’t.
Last year, I went through another major change in my working life, but this one wasn’t chosen by me. And even though, on paper, it was a great career opportunity for me and even though I see myself as the kind of person who really thrives on change and variety, this one felt like being hit by a bus. Similar to when I was made redundant many years ago (from a job I hated and had been desperate to leave!) the feeling was truly gut-wrenching and contributed to many sleepless nights and tears.
The difference, in both these cases, can be summarised by one word: autonomy.
Whether or not we feel in control of our lives makes a huge difference to our sense of wellbeing and our levels of motivation. In his mindblowing book Drive: the Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us (if don’t want to read the book, although I really recommend it, this RSA Animate is a good summary), Dan Pink reveals how absolutely essential autonomy is as a motivator (way more important than financial reward or other extrinsic motivations). Proponents of self-determination theory (Deci and Ryan have done some fascinating research on this) have found that intrinsic motivation (i.e. what we choose to do because it’s inherently satisfying) is essential for our health and wellbeing.
When we experience change that feels out of our control, we lose that sense of autonomy which is why it feels so emotionally challenging.
But life is always going to throw us some curveballs right? So what do we do when change chooses us and not the other way around? Here are a few suggestions…
Acknowledge and allow the feelings you’re having
I got in a right mental mess when going through the changes I’ve mentioned above partly, I think, because I found it difficult to accept the strong emotional reaction I was having to the situation. As I said, I see myself as someone who really thrives on variety, so I couldn’t understand why this had made me so unhappy. I really beat myself up about it, thinking I was just going crazy. Acknowledging your feelings and seeing them as a natural response AND not being overly led by them (e.g. lashing out at others or internally at yourself, spiralling into negative, depressive thoughts) is key to riding the wave of the emotions change can bring up in you.
Part of that is about understanding the theory behind how we react to change (the “Change Curve” from shock, to denial, to anger etc. is one that’s often cited), but I think a more powerful approach is to use a practical mindfulness technique like RAIN.
RAIN stands for:
· Recognise (what’s happening)
· Allow (the feelings and experience to be there just as they are)
· Investigate (this in yourself with kindness)
· Non-identification (with the feelings – seeing them almost as an outsider)
I’ve found this approach is a great way to dissolve negative thinking patterns. (My favourite mindfulness teacher Tara Brach does a guided meditation on this if you’d like to follow some instructions.)
With RAIN we aren’t trying to stop what we’re feeling, but to accept it and from that acceptance comes a lot of freedom and space to choose how we respond. And one of the ways we might opt for is to….
Look for the opportunity
Generating a little bit of space from the negative emotions that uninvited change can bring up in us allows us to gain alternative perspectives, which is very very difficult from a place of shock or anger. When we can access the more creative and intuitive parts of our brains, we might be able to see things differently and spot the positive opportunities that the change may bring.
With hindsight, being made redundant from my job all those years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me. It allowed me to get out and try new things and meet people from different industries to the one I’d been in, all of which ultimately led me to finding a career that gives me real joy and purpose. Once I’d been able to let go of the hurt of having had control taken away from me, I could see the new possibilities this change could bring.
If you’re going through a big change that you didn’t choose, can you sit down and brainstorm all the other possible perspectives on the situation? What might be another way of looking at this situation? What might be some unexpected new opportunities that may come of this?
Take back control
Once you’ve acknowledged your emotions and allowed space for a more positive perspective, you’re also then in a great position to take back the reins and turn an uninvited change into something much more self-directed. What would you love to have happen now? How can you turn this situation to your advantage?
The important word here is agency: the ability to take ownership in creating the results we want. All too often, we allow ourselves to slot into other people’s agendas. We’re people-pleasers, not wanting to ‘create a fuss’ or to rock the boat. But the result of this is that we’re all creeping around, putting our true desires to one side and completely forgetting how to ask for what we actually want, rather than what we think we’re ‘allowed’.
And yet, when we do actually step into that space of speaking out about what we actuallywant and need, we can be pleasantly surprised with the outcome. After all, how can people help us reach a change of our own choosing if we don’t let them know what that looks like?!
An example of this is when I asked to go part time in my university job. I’d originally asked to go down to four days a week in order to concentrate more on my other coaching work, even though what I really wanted was to go down to three. At the very last minute I plucked up the courage to change my request to what I actually wanted, and (after a few days of freaking out and panicking about what they were going to say) I discovered they were perfectly happy to agree to it. If I’d already made a compromise in my mind before the request, I’d never have known what was actually available to me.
The question to ask yourself is: do you want to be a passive recipient to your own lifeand be at the will of circumstances and other people’s agendas, or are you willing to take ownership – of your emotional responses, your wellbeing and your life plan?
As the author Maya Angelou has said: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”.